Right around the time I hit forty, most of me was in pretty good shape. Decent muscle mass. Consistency on the ceramic throne. Hair still making an appearance. Eye sight and hearing like a bat. But, a little flabulous around the waist line. Nothing major. Just a little added umph required to get those jeans on and continue breathing.
So the typical advice of that time was a) cut out the carbs or b) do some crunches. Well cutting out carbs is like saying there’s nothing left to live for. But the crunches deal seemed easy enough. I turned the dial on my usual gym routine up a notch and threw ’em in. Well the day after crunch’n your stomach feels like shredded veal when you get outta bed. Dressing for work took longer, standing up and sitting down required focus and bending over to pick something up … well that required critical thinking.
Then one night on TV I saw an ad for:
Abtronix X2 Fat Burning and Toning Belt / $99.00 or Best Offer
It had it all. That sleek look. Proof of the results provided by a model. The gel that transports the shock waves from these vibrating discs straight to the center of your abdominals. Oh I jumped like a girl with Fresca on her panty liner to place my order. And you could wear it just about anywhere. I’d stroll through the grocery store with it under my sweatshirt. Laying on the couch watching a movie. Hell I even wore it to work a few times to prep for a special event.
After a week or two, I felt different down there yet pretty much looked the same. I reasoned it worked from the inside/out so those muscles were getting nice and tight and would eventually pull things in to reveal that six pac like the dude in the ad.
But a scary incident squelched my enthusiasm. I’m on the couch (ok and since this is the second time I’ve mentioned being on the couch that should lend some inside poop to the real culprit of the belly flab) and I might have even been having a nice glass of sugar loaded Cabernet when my dog jumped on top of me and sent the control panel into oblivion. I think the scale of intensity went as high as ten and so did I. The jolting absolutely paralyzed me. I couldn’t move. I was flapping like a flounder on a deck. I spilled wine all over myself and the couch. My screams for the dog to get the hell off of me went unheard. Finally I threw her off and ripped the (naturally) Velcro belt off. I panted for a few minutes then assessed the damage in the bathroom mirror. My stomach was beet red, partially from the agitation and partially from the wine. Thus, the obsession with this weight loss trend came to a halt.
So just this morning I see on e-Bay that there’s one Abtronic belt left, possibly in the entire world. $99 or best offer. It doesn’t mention if it’s old or new. Borrowed or blue. But I resisted buying it and went in the kitchen for a fat free yogurt and some blueberries. Life sucks.