I think it’s time to take a good look at the Ten Commandments, the Moses Version. Things change and we must acclimate ourselves to new rules and scenarios that are more in sync with where we are at.
First of all, let’s assess Moses and his grooming. He’s a scraggly mess. Why would anyone believe a thing this street person had to say. There’s better groomed drunks loitering in Penn Station, and that’s not even a remote stretch of the truth. I mean that beard probably had a whole meal caught in it.
And what the hell is he wearing? Dude, find a tailor. But let’s move on to the subject matter.
Thou shalt not steal. So is this what the MAGA heads are clinging to? The stolen election? But if they honor that one they certainly skipped over Thou shalt not kill. I mean come on. They were chanting KILL MIKE PENCE.
Compromise: Try not to steal but when faced with basic human stupidity, go for it. I think the relevance of the whole not killing one has been violated eight billion times. Maybe the NRA should change their slogan to Thou shalt not kill and have a clearance sale.
Thou shalt not commit adultery. Some famous loser was in bed with a porn star while his wife was in labor. It’s unrealistic to keep this commandment in this day and age. A couple more key names: Jeffrey Epstein, Harvey Weinstein, Bill Clinton, John Edwards, JFK.
Change it to Thou shalt try restraint. Now the one about coveting thy neighbor’s wife never clicked with me and it’s not because I’m gay (directed at any smarty pants who got a chuckle out of that) but because of the word covet.
covet
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to desire wrongfully, inordinately, or without due regard for the rights of others:
to covet another’s property.
Antonyms: renounce
He won the prize they all coveted.
Well I’ve witnessed a whole lot of coveting in the super market parking lot. I want that space so I’m gonna block you, you know that kind of stuff. And in general who these days holds any regard for the rights of others. Example: Roe v. Wade
It also means “to wish for” so does that mean having goals is naughty? I wish my hair would grow back. That’s a sin? Must we now tell children that Santa’s dead and wishing for a new Barbie doll is selfish? Thou shalt not take the Lord’s name in vain. I mean how many Martin Scorsese films are gonna pass that test? Remember the sabbath day. I don’t even know when it is, so I can’t forget it.
Finally, honor thy father and mother. This one needs caveats, and if you ever met my parents you’d see where I’m coming from. I didn’t dishonor them. They had me in stitches most of the time. There’s a long story about my father’s rules that he solely told me. Basically as soon as he died, no one but me was to know that or see his dead body. I would identify him and send him off to the morgue. Once I received his ashes, I’d be free to tell people that he skipped town. EVEN HIS OWN WIFE was in the dark for two days. So by honoring my father’s wishes I now have about fifteen family members that think I’m a god damned self centered asshole.
Them: When’s the viewing?
Me: Well actually there was one and all I can say is it wouldn’t be your cup of tea.
Them: What do you mean? How will I ever have closure on this?
Me: Ummm how many times did you trek up to see him in the looney bin. He was there for eight years.
I was the only one invited to the viewing (in the morgue) and damn it all if they didn’t cover him with a sheet. Way too much info.
So let’s start trying to apply the Moses list in our everyday lives and try not to break at least one of them per day. I double dare you!