I’ve found a special diet that is guaranteed to take your waistline down one and perhaps two inches in just one week.
How can this be, you ask?
Well I’ll spill it for you, but the truth is the medical industry and the FDA are in cahoots so this technique never avails itself to the public. They want you to invest dollars (for doughnuts) in the latest fad diet of the day which requires you buy the most expensive ingredients in the grocery store. And they’re never on sale. So having said all that you must be wondering well how did I stumble upon this miracle?
It all started with not being able to eat for twelve hours before “a procedure” we all know and love. So I did it. After this procedure, I just didn’t feel up for anything let alone cook or even chew. So I went another twelve hours and then I went an entire day and so on and so on. After not eating one single thing for a week, I went from a 31″ waist to a 29″ waist. I hadn’t been that thin since college and that was simply because the cafeteria food sucked.
Now I know what you’re thinking. That you have to eat something, right? I’m here to tell you that’s simply not so. You’d be surprised just how long you can sustain life without food. Now water’s a different thing. Yes you are allowed water on what I’m now calling Jeff’s Slim ‘N Skinny. But keep it on the down low, like nobody really needs more than eight ounces of water per day. I mean they say 90% of your body already IS water so why overload yourself. Right?
What are the drawbacks. You might feel weak, like severely weak like not being able to stand up weak. That’s normal around day four. What you do is just stay near a couch or bed in the unlikely chance you pass out. Now don’t be alarmed. This is normal. Just let the episode pass and get back on your feet (which by now you’ll be able to see) and carry on.
One other tip. Maybe once a day I take a swig of NyQuil and not the children’s version if you smell what I’m cook’n which is nothing because you ain’t gonna be cooking at all. So all that extra time gets lumped into the series of blackouts you’ll soon accept as normal. And why the NyQuil? Well it’s simply jam packed with nutrients like sodium, chloride, purified water (much better for you than just bottled water) and a healthy amount of alcohol. Now you keep that bottle handy and make sure you know how to work through the childproof cap cuz when it’s time … it’s time. I don’t really follow the directions as far as the right serving amount goes cuz it just dirties up a spoon you’ll have to wash later. Just tip it back and swig away until your tonsils are numb then swallow it whole. Again, be near a couch.
That’s basically it. If you’re on a tight budget, you don’t need the name brand. Any CVS knockoff will do just as good. But ya know, treat yourself once it a while cuz you’ll be saving thousands on groceries. While everyone else is complaining about the rising cost of food, hey you got no skin in that game. And above all, you’re gonna look great. You’ll be thin, albeit slightly emaciated. Toilet time will be drastically reduced cuz you don’t have any sh*t to give so that gives you extra time for sh*t to do. You’ll even save on toilet paper. One roll will last ya an easy six months. That’s good news for the environment. Do I recycle the empty plastic NyQuil containers you ask? If I can make it to the recycling bin.
Your friends will be in awe and you’ll just shrug it off as eating right (which = zero) and exercising (provided you can stand up).
It’s a win-win situation and that’s exactly why the experts don’t want you to know about it. They’ll say “three meals a day” like come on, maybe a nibble at Thanksgiving but let’s not get carried away with scheduling your life around something as disposable as food.
Not that you’ll be disposing anything after the second week.