I just came from my very first one and I’m a little perplexed. Oh I passed it with flying colors yet the cardiologist almost seemed a little disappointed that I did.
MD: You work out?
ME: Yes
MD: Oh so this was nothing to you I imagine.
He reviewed my folder, then asked me if my weight was usually as low as 154 and I said it was optimum weight. He asked how that was possible.
ME: Well I work out three to four times a week. I don’t eat crap, cut out sugar and go low on the carbs. I guess it all works.
MD: So why are you even here then?
He seemed agitated that I wasn’t overweight and got through the stress test on the treadmill without gasping for air. Did he think I was wasting his time? I was being proactive. Is that not something to do? If I’m close to having a heart attack I’d like some warning, if for any reason to wear underpants that don’t have a hole in the crotch. Doctors don’t like healthy people. I guess I’m not gonna help him buy his next Mercedes, but is a little pat on the back be too much to ask? Was I supposed to return only when I was one slow pulse from death? I know I mentioned this before it but I had an eye exam last week and my eyesight actually improved. No pat on the back for that either. What the heck people? Sorry I’m not paying the bills. I’ll sit down and consume a bowl of carbs, then wash it all down with a soda (haven’t had one in years).
MD: So it says here you have a history of heart disease in your family. Like you dad? Triple bypass?
ME: Well he ate a full breakfast at a diner for fifty years. Guess he was a little clogged.
MD: And I suppose you just have yogurt.
ME: Well I add some fresh fruit to it.
ME: Mmmmm hmmmmm. Well our time is up. I don’t need to see you again.
Now I’m not saying I deserve a prize or anything, but the cold shoulder was not appreciated. Now I’m no Jack LaLane. I’m short and borderline scrawny but it would take an Italian village to turn me into a blimp. Even a friend of mine asked if I was losing weight to which I answered I wasn’t losing any but I wasn’t gaining any either. Is it expected that we be on one end of the scale or the other yet never balancing it? I’m not into huge muscle mass. I’d look ridiculous if I did.
I’m doing it to live longer. If life gets too boring I’ll know what to do. It’s called a Pastrami Reuben with fries on the side and a chocolate milk shake every single day. Oh I can do it believe me. And occasionally I do, like twice a year.
Oh and I started balding early in life. The top of my head looks like a toilet bowl.