If you’re not yet ancient or a possible a drain on society, here’s a few tricks this old dog’s learned.
Take those progressive eyeglasses and throw ’em away. Yes I know how much you paid for them. I paid too. Turns out they’re a waste of time and money. Instead, get your distance lenses totally tweaked by missing practically every line of letters on the eye chart. An N could easily be a 4. d is an 8. Just have fun with it. Your optometrist won’t suspect anything and you’ll gain the benefit. I mean get the letter on the top of the pyramid right and try to answer half of the third line down correctly just so he doesn’t catch on. And voilà. You’ll get stairway to heaven vision.
However once you get it, you won’t at all be able to read things like a phone book (not that you should still have one) or anything printed on the back of a credit card. When I was caught tilting my debit card, I learned this. Take a photo of your card then pinch your pic and blow it up to any size you desire. You’ll finally see the security code you’ve been misquoting which has stopped you from on-line shopping.
Cataracts are pure gold. You’ll get a procedure that’ll tweak the naked eye to achieve 20/20 vision. Toss those frames into the garbage.
Pack an extra set of underwear ALWAYS. There’s only so many emergency stops you can make on the side of the road. Your squeezing muscles loosen up reaching the level of useless. Pack an extra. Oh and pack some sanitary wipes too. Cleanliness is next to godliness, which even if you’re not religious starts being comforting as you approach your finish line. It’s closer than you think. So clean it up.
Always have a book of matches on you. Elevator, flatulence. You smell what I’m cook’n here. However, I did once light a. match in my office and the FDNY was on site within.minutes. A fellow employee smelled something wrong. True story. So humiliating.
Avoiding hearing aids is a synch. I mean who gives a crap if you hear what anyone’s saying. Face it, if it’s life threatening news you’ll hear it. Like nobody whispers FIRE! And once you’ve entered the home as they said on the Golden Girls, BINGO is always a shout out and never a missive. No worries. You’ll get that stuffed animal.
Last one. Instead of breath mints, switch to cough drops (sugar free). They resonate much more strongly, last longer and give your vocal cords a boost, which you’ll need from all the screaming and straining you’ll have to do to get anything done when you need it.
I haven’t experienced too many physical setbacks yet, but I can’t wait to get out of day to day household chores.
Stay tuned for tweezing tips that tackle those unwanted hairs.