I once worked at a conservatory in Manhattan, one which had quite an impressive reputation. Based on what … well let’s just say I’m not an expert when it comes to music. I don’t have a great ear for it nor can I at all produce a sound that doesn’t sound mechanically musical.
What’s that? As a kid, I was forced into piano lessons. I’d find the right keys, place my fingers in the correct places and finally strike keys producing a chord. Wash, rinse repeat and you have a symphony that doesn’t flow as much as it sputters. That’s mechanically musical.
All day long, one of eight students studying would be in there banging away at some strings much like I used to punch out keys. Mechanically musical. Maybe it was that the material was new to them. But I think not. Some had flow and some did not. The did nots were such an annoyance that I’d take a break and roam the school, only to find there were mechanical voice students, cellists, even a few drummers on a trap set were mechanical. How the hell did these thugs make it into such a revered conservatory? Well I snooped through a few student admissions folders and found out. I didn’t have to snoop all that much as the reasons were revealed on yellow stickies with the provost’s notes on them.
Frances Hildebrand: applicant for woodwinds department. Daughter of alum who donates $20,000 per year to the conservatory.
Marty Schwartz: son of Abe Schwartz who sits on the advisory board.
Ji Jeun Jen: prepaid tuition for entire duration of program majoring in conducting.
Not only were these preferred candidates granted early admission, they were waived out of any audition requirements (because they were talentless). How did I know this? I made a point to attend their jury performance every semester and see for myself that they were … yes indeed … mechanically musical. Some were torturous on the ear. Others just sucked in general.
Now the irony is, I admit to being mechanically musical. I don’t sing even as much as a Happy Birthday if I can avoid it. Believe me, I know how I sound. Something like a strangled moose. I get such a kick out of people that loosely throw around their opinion of musicality and performance potential. Hitting the notes is one thing but connecting them is quite another. That requires finesse. You have it or ya don’t.
Back to that harpsichord rehearsal studio, on Fridays I’d post a sign that it was closed due to repair work or some BS excuse. By Friday my nerves couldn’t take one more struggling musician ruining another JS Bach concerto. The funny thing was students fell for the ruse and went back to their dorm. I reasoned that a lack of preparation might be to their benefit. No one wants to be overly rehearsed, right?
You’d sound, ummm what’s the word I’m looking for … oh oh oh MECHANICAL!