I used to do a gig judging kids in dance competitions. It required recording commentary then assigning a score. I was always okay with the scoring part yet severely conscious of my voice.

You see, I’m a low talker.

When I did a festival, the sound checkers beelined my way since they couldn’t hear me.  I’d then crank my low monotone voice into Adele stratospheres and frankly it hurt. Without popping cough drops and swigging hot tea, I was finished after judging two groups.

I once did a gig in Salt Lake City. The audio techs tweaked some things on the sound board as I went down on the microphone like Stormy Daniels.

Not sure the Mormons were thrilled about that.  On the flight home, I got to thinking about why I’m so conscious of my voice. It may have started as early as the birthing process.  Most infants are slapped and scream.  Was I shushed?

Allen insisted NO TALKING at the dinner table. Reason being we’d choke to death. The real reason being to stifle Janet. There was a NO TALKING in the store policy yet for some reason touching stuff was fair game.  I once got stuck behind a display of velvet curtains and couldn’t get out since I couldn’t scream for help without breaking the rule.

I hate curtains.

NO TALKING while others speak.  Show some respect and act like you’re listening.  So I did. I’d nod and think about whatever homework I had to finish up.  

Afterwards, Janet would drill me like a screw.

Janet:  So what did you talk about, me?

Me:  You said not to speak and act like I was listening. 

Janet:  So did ya listen?

Me:  No.

Janet:  For the love of god, where’d I go wrong with this one.  

On vacations, my brother and I pretended to be asleep in the back seat of the car while Janet read to Allen.  One summer the book was Truman Capote’s In Cold Blood.  We absorbed every gory detail and were convinced we were the next Clutter Family on the run.  The end result was screaming nightmares for months which were met with hey keep it down up there.

So please excuse my low talking.  It’s not like I was allowed much practice time.