I’m hosting a dinner party and decided on making Bœuf Bourgignon. It seems easy enough when my partner (currently in Texas) makes it. Cubes of beef and a bottle of wine, right?
Wrong.
First off, they’re a zillion recipes claiming to be the best one for the ages. There’s even one that totally disses on Julia Child’s recipe, the unmitigated queen of French cuisine. One recipe uses a bottle of nothing short of the finest burgundy you can get your hands on. Others say any red wine will do. Get that bottle of Riunite out from under your kid’s bed and put it to work. Still others claim you must use two bottles of wine for the marinade instead of one and another claims no less than three are acceptable. Now my niece is six months pregnant. I don’t want her staggering out of my place riding a Bœuf Bourgignon high! And what about that unborn baby. We know she’s carrying a girl but let’s not start her off as Wendy the Wino when she’s just in her second trimester of life. Furthermore maybe the pro-lifers should take a look at what these committed mothers are eating, right? That diet of Big Macs and fries may not be the nutrition safety blanket your future child needs.
Aside from all that, there’s even more conflicting takes on preparing this dish …. or is it a bowl? That’s one of the issues. How does one serve and/or present the main course? By ladling it into a dish? Over noodles, rice (my choice) or even mashed potatoes. Is it a bowl of stew? What meat should you use? Is anyone even mastering this dish in the first place is my question, excusing my partner in Texas who gets everything right. He once salvaged burnt sausage by skinning them and mixing a dip of mustard and horse radish. Anyone that could speak after that dip raved about the appetizer which was intended to be the main dish. I got to serve it whilst he snuck out to the store and bought a ton of steaks.
Back to the Bœuf Bourgignon dilemma. Can’t these experts hold a convention in a neutral area like say Dubuque and reach a consensus regarding the best preparatory steps? At least agree on the number of bottles of hooch. That would help, especially with the looming tariff taxes on imported vino. I mean one bite of this cuisine could easily consume a family of four’s monthly grocery budget.
So I played a game of something perhaps Congress should try playing. Compromising. Picking the most reasonable suggestions of a few different preparatory steps. I marinated the beef for twelve hours, not twenty four. One bottle of Cabernet, not three. And on and on. If it seemed extreme I cut the suggestion in half. This masterpiece is currently in the midst of its marination stage so I have no idea what the end result shall be at this juncture.
What I do know is the table setting is gonna kick some major ass, except for the new dining room chairs that still have not arrived. I’m gonna have to use counter stools so everyone’s going to be hovering a good two feet over this feast. But I’ve got a floral arrangement from 1-800-FLOWERS with a summery china and straight out of the dishwasher sparkling glassware. Toss in a colorful cloth napkin bound in a gold plated ring and you’ve got a show stopper.
If somebody keels over from alcohol poisoning at least they’ll experience a grand finale. I have breath mints on call for the deceased, to prevent any coroner’s report blaming my cooking.