Stewardess … oh excuse me … flight attendant. I’m about to miss my connection.
I’m clearly in a froth of frenzy.
Sir, we’re on an active runway. Sit down.
She didn’t say please sit down and I was flying the friendly skies of United.
But I have to at least be allowed to exit before anyone else.
(Now from a duet of flight attendants)
Sir, we’re on an active runway. Sit down.
What’s active about it? We’ve been at a frigg’n standstill for twenty minutes now. Active?
Sir I insist you sit down. NOW!
Okay so this goes back and forth like a tie break at Wimbledon.
Listen, these people don’t give a crap. Let me just get up there.
I absolutely do not sit down as I feel a little voice I call Snarky Jeff starting to warm up before one of his grand performances. Now Snarky Jeff performs so infrequently that his range isn’t what it used to be, yet his filter is completely shot. Things go straight from the brain to his mouth to the universe and he’s often embarrassing to be around. Good old Snarky Jeff is however medicated, but his pills just don’t seem to be kicking in.
And now Snarky hits his mark on the stage and begins his performance.
Listen you two, you don’t even show your faces and sit behind a curtain. What are you the Wizards of Odds? I gotta make this connection.
A hand sticks out from the curtain and grabs my cell.
Let me see your boarding pass.
(pause … and exhale of disgust)
There’s a time zone difference. We’re actually early. You have an hour to make your connection.
I could feel Snarky’s testicles shrink as I snuck back to my seat covered in shame. Damn that Snarky, and now everyone in the plane just met him. One of them mutters what a jerk to her husband, and clearly no one’s demanding a Snarky encore of his greatest hits:
- Ain’t That a Kick in the Ass
- Move Over, Useless Skank
- Just Say Hello, Then Drop Dead.
- or from his platinum album: What the World Needs Now is You Not In it.
Once we hit the gate, I impishly apologize to the flight attendants who are now clearly visible and faking a smile that covers up their real thoughts.
I let everyone exit the plane before me.
Please, please just go. I’m fine with …
Well you certainly didn’t seem fine a few minutes ago. You know these young ladies are doing their job for your safety. It was an active runway.
(Snarky can’t stand it any more)
Active my ass. Exiting or what? I don’t need rules of etiquette from someone wearing flannel.
I exit the plane, walk eight steps to the next gate and nap for an hour.