Lately, I’m losing it over laundry. It’s like the mail; it never stops. It just keeps piling up and up and I avoid and avoid until I get down to the bottom of the barrel. Like underpants with zero elasticity. Towels that accidentally got bleached. Sweatshirts with the name of clubs no longer in existence. And then we get to the bedding linens. Yeesh.
What a needy laundry process they are. You try to stuff them all into one wash load including flat and fitted sheets, pillowcases, bedspread, mattress pad, pillow shams and who knows what else. Oh I know. That sock that got caught in your fitted sheet from the last time you washed it. Then you have to fold this debacle of bedroom madness. You pull it out of the dryer in a big ball acuz the flat sheet got caught up in a fitted sheet corner and is still soaking wet. Then there’s the pillow case that got away. And ya gotta fold all these items that were not meant to be folded yet hold their own personal folding protocol. These items were solely meant to fit a mattress, not a shelf in your linen closet. They spill all over the sides of the shelf to the point you can’t close the door. I HATE ALL OF IT.
But what beats that night you slide into crisp and freshly washed linens? Nothing’s better. Well maybe a dental cleaning. I love them cuz I’ve never had a cavity in my life so the dental hygienists marvel at that, like it was a huge personal accomplishment. I just brushed. Pretty standard practice.
Maybe it’s time to invent an easier linen collection to make your bed. Think sleeping bags. Ya just roll ’em out, slip in and zip it up. Nothing has to be stretched to fit a mattress. No muss and no fuss. The sleeping bag bed set. And no folding necessary. Just roll ’em up and stash them away. They’re a little puffy to provide some cushion, but not cushiony enough to stop them from being stored right next to the pile of oversized bath towels.
Let’s get on this somebody. Seems actors are always inventing stuff, like the Ellen Degeneres beauty line called Kind Science. (proud sponsor here)
Hey Ellen or Oprah, hop on this now cuz law abiding citizens are starting to really lose their sh*t on laundry day. And let’s not even get started on those poor souls that have to do laundry in public places like a sleazy laundromat or those shared machines that never work in the basement of your building. People other than you actually get their paws on your sh*t and will transfer it for you if you’re not spot on with your timed cycles.
How is that sanitary? I ain’t slithering into that petrie dish.