Why I Hate Mayonnaise

People love this stuff, even though it’s basically cholesterol in a jar. I don’t like it one bit. Gives me a bundle of bile in my throat. My hatred of it also rules out mayonnaise based dishes like macaroni salad, potato salad, any sandwich purchased at Subway (they smear it on with a mortar board) tuna fish and other stuff.

The Fourth of July is a complete bust for me.

So was our first block party. No one’s ever owned up to it but they brought a mayonnaise-based side dish that either started off on the wrong foot or couldn’t handle the heat and humidity. It didn’t bother me, but lo and behold didn’t my neighbors start dropping like flies. In fact, even the flies caught in the mayonnaise dropped like flies!

At the block party planning meeting the following year, it was unanimous that mayonnaise in any way shape or form was strictly forbidden. The vote wasn’t remotely split along party lines whatsoever. But wouldn’t you know it, someone didn’t realize ranch dressing is basically fancy mayonnaise. So that was addressed quickly by tossing the entire salad bowl in the garbage, as well as a general distrust of all food types.

The most inebriated block party on record.

(and that’s a pretty low limbo bar to shimmy under)

Margaritas on a hot day and an empty stomach.

But that’s not why I hate mayonnaise. In a Saturday afternoon bible class, one of my classmates raised his hand to answer why Ruth turned into a pillar of salt, and when he was called upon he puked up a bucket and a half of chunky shit that looked like potato salad. Oh my word, and at such an impressionable age.

He choked out Ruth was deemed. unworthy to be saved by God.

But was he, I had to wonder.

So that’s why I can’t stand the stuff. It’s a shame because it’s packaged quite nicely with the lid closed. Nice color palette. My partner orders mayonnaise on the side to dip his french fries in.

I’m thoroughly convinced he’s just doing it to gross me out.

Why I Hate Mayonnaise

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