Every time I get notified there’s a software update for my phone or tablet or laptop or sound system, I jump at the chance to install it.

My life is bound to be better than it was yesterday.  Things will be more precise, accessible and tech savvy.  While the update is rebooting, I am that nerd that watches time pass via the slowly moving bar that indicates how much longer the uploading will take.

And then suddenly, I can’t do nutt’n.  Things start doing things on their own accord.  I can’t even as much as retrieve an email and (oh that’s great) I seem to have lost a file containing writing samples I’ve held onto for years.  This isn’t an update.  It’s a mudslide.

The last update I did on my cell now forwards every single call I get immediately to voicemail, so all my friends and contacts are pissed off that I’m dodging their calls.  Well let’s be real, okay a few are upset, well maybe one.  Let’s just say there’s a new risk to consider.

My state of the art Sonos sound system (which pumps music into every room in the house) now glares at me with a cynical smirk as if to say “you thought we weren’t good enough”?  Good luck being entertained by the silence rebounding in your brain.  Oh it’s a classic.

I even have a bark collar for one of the dogs that has taken a profound disliking to the postman.  Well I updated that one day and lo and behold if Zoey hasn’t morphed into Paul Revere riding through the town with a lantern screaming THE POSTMAN IS COMING.

The new fire alarm system insists that every room is hazardous.  There’s no escaping the death threats.  And they go on while I’m sleeping and I’m gonna have a heart attack someday cuz they’re loud.  The neighbors must think I’m entertaining Richard Pryor.  

Well I’ve had it people who invent updates.  Take a vacation.  Don’t change a thing.  

Updates ≠ better.