This time it’s gonna be far more extensive. It’s gotta be. I have a walk-in closet with crap literally falling off shelves and zero room on the hanging rails. And what do I wear? A rotation of three pairs of sweat pants and a Kamala Harris for President hoodie. Pretty much it.
And the stuff isn’t crap at all. A black cashmere sport jacket from Barney’s. A khaki sweater from Paris. It’s one of just three in existence. That’s all the designer made. I don’t really like it that much but hey, I’m about as superficial as they come so I wear it just so I can tell people it’s just one of three in existence. Another sweater from Tokyo. I could go on. The custom made wool suit I wore at my wedding – ONCE. Maybe if we divorce and I remarry it could be worn again but that’s unlikely. No one’s patient enough to deal with me, and I ceased to fit in it one week after the ceremony. Seems wool doesn’t have a lot of “give” to it.
Let’s talk shoes. That’s an item I’ve never really cared about, so cleaning that shelf out should be a cinch. Shoes don’t do it for me. But ya know what apparently does is an uncanny fetish for weird vests. All kinds of them. Satin backs. Slipover sweater vests. V necks in about ten colors. Buttons up the front. A ton of vests. I wore them for work once my waist started a growth spurt on its own. There’s no way I’m showing a tucked in shirt waist line at this stage of the game. It ain’t good. Too much water. Not enough glass.
A tuxedo I wore once for my niece’s black tie only wedding. Now I actually did look good in that one. Tuxedos are quite forgiving. That’s my cousin’s wife, although she could pass for Sharon Stone in a second. Former model and all around cool as hell person. But back to the tuxedo, that was likely its first and only debut. Not planning on having an open casket whatsoever. As my dad always said, just light a match … and he really meant it, but that’s a different story and it’s a showstopper.
So the spring cleaning must commence. I’m setting the starting date at April 15, tax day. Since mine are already filed, I’ll have time on my hands.
Drive by my house and grab what you can. Mighty fine duds for free.
And the vests I apparently cherished? A buck a piece seems fair.