Hey Huggers:
I know your intentions are good. They certainly seem spontaneous to me (more like shocking) yet please understand that while you may be a hugger some of us aren’t. Now we pay taxes and make great citizens. Usually not on parole for any of that funky stuff.
But the whole physical thing may not be our strongest suit. And in the winter season, hugging’s more risky: yep that COVID thing.
- I love you.
- I miss you.
- Oh sorry to hear ya got one foot in the grave.
My eversion to hugging stems from those young and impressionable years. My mother didn’t necessarily hug as much as use my frame to steady herself while falling. In fact, I think she was trying to take me down too to soften her humiliation. My dad was quick to insert his hand. He was a shaker. I don’t even recall the childhood dog being all that physically attentive. I mean I think she liked us, but who the hell knew? If she wanted food, she didn’t have many options. Even so, I don’t remember hugging to be her go-to catalyst for food.
Measuring sincerity of hugs, those who tap your back three times? You know of whom I speak. That’s complete bullshit. Send a card.
- Oh my god I haven’t seen you in so long.
- Well there might be a good reason for that.
- What’s new with you?
- Other than my severely contagious eczema, not much.
Inevitably you start passing the medicine ball around since you have nothing else to talk about. You name a condition then wait to get topped by someone else’s condition.
- I’ve had a few complications with bladder control lately.
- Oh don’t even get me started. I flooded first class on the flight here.
So let’s make a pact. There’s something between maintaining long-term friendships or long-term disdain. It’s the nice to see you stage. No I don’t want to see your pictures from Disney. No I didn’t know you had five grandchildren. Oh they’re just three days old there?
Here’s a few deterring phrases we can all start circulating:
- I’d hug you but I haven’t bathed in four days.
- I’d hug you but I’m on parole for molestation charges.
- I’d hug you but frankly I don’t think we’d reach around each other.
- And finally … I’d hug you but I really don’t want to.