Not to start the day on a bad note, but yesterday would have been a very close friend’s birthday. One of the tough things about growing older includes growing apart from others that used to “get me” or at least tried. There’s suddenly so many voids in the sturdy circle that protected me, understood me and loved me. And it’s sort of tough, yet inevitable.
From this point on through to my last day, I won’t accumulate many friends that could possibly fill in for my friends that have moved on. Even if I do, you can’t recreate a history, and isn’t that a large part of the bonding? They were there when something fantastic happened, and they’d know what it meant since it may have been something I’ve been chasing for years. You can tell others, but they won’t get the full pitch. It becomes more rare to talk about things from the past … events, people, hit songs, assholes. When that person goes they take half the memory with them. And you seem to have a shrinking arsenal to share with.
If you mention something from the past, people are much less apt to ask what that long gone memory felt like, how it hit us or how we moved on from it. Again, you’ve no one to share something with. So back to yesterday, I wrote for a while, napped for a while and did just about anything I wouldn’t have to explain or share with a partially deaf ear. But man, it sucks. It sucks when no one gets you and takes away a wrong impression because of an assumption they make of you. I’m not who you think I am, and I can’t change it.
The friend whose birthday was yesterday knew me since I was nine. How do you catch someone up on that long period of time? The day I did a three turn in a snowstorm spotting and (ultimately) crashing my car into a tree. The day you discover your parents are really your friends that know you inside and out. That they wanted to share everything with me like a friend, not a parent. They hated the concept. They spoke to me as an adult as early as I can remember. They’re gone too. A really cool uncle and many cool aunts. Holidays have become grim reminders of what the seating arrangement once was.
I write this all down this morning because I can’t have today be a repeat of yesterday. It won’t be. I don’t have people to share things with, but today I’ll pick them up and we’ll go for a walk or a drive and catch up on who we’ve become. They’ll know what the trajectory means because they knew the starting point and the arc that followed.
I’ll pick you up at noon. Bring an umbrella. Looks like rain.