It’s that time of year when high school and college graduates prep to graduate and attend Commencement. I remember both of mine. I walked across the stage at Trumbull High School, grabbed a fake diploma and just kept walking straight into a car headed for New Jersey. I was part of a drum corps and we had a show that night. My parents still threw a graduation party at their house and posted a picture of me in between the gin and vodka bottles. I doubt anyone even noticed I was never there.
Now my college graduation from Fordham University was on a Sunday afternoon, which happened to be the day after my brother’s wedding. Needless to say only one of us woke up excited (me) then probed and poked my hungover parents.
Janet: Allen, get up. We have to leave soon.
Allen: Leave for what? Check out time isn’t until noon.
Janet: I know but Jeffrey’s graduating from college. His Commencement.
Allen: What’s he commencing to do? Wait … who?
Janet: The other son. He’s getting an award for something academic. I dunno what the hell it is.
Allen: Well can’t he take the train into the city on his own.
Janet: Well I’m sure he could but (whispering in his ear … he’s in the room) it’s a big day for him.
Allen: For christ sakes, couldn’t they have moved the date?
Janet: For the wedding?
Allen: No, for this f*gg’n graduation.
We get ready and load up the car. My brother and sister in law had already taken off for their honeymoon. So all I had was two (reluctant) guests. It starts to downpour. They opt to hold the ceremony indoors (gymnasium) and it was hot, humid and completely oppressive. The guest speaker was Bon Keeshan, better known as Captain Kangaroo. He died two years later from a drug overdose after lecturing us to brighten up the future of America. Meanwhile, he’s smoking crack with Richard Pryor. Seems THEY lit up the future. Thankfully the keynote speaker was Alan Alda. He more than made up for the captain.
Years later, I met Mr. Alda near Lincoln Center and said hello and that I loved his speech at Fordham. He hugged me and did some secret handshake. At least I think that was what he was doing. Such a nice and sincere guy. He remembered Commencement and the rain.
Alan: Geez, shame about Bob Keeshan. He graduated with me.
Me: Well both of you clearly took different paths. (he laughed)
So they’re slowly approaching the N’s to stand up and form a line to get their diplomas. I’m drenched in sweat. They call my name. I was very proud. I put a lot into my education and Fordham’s no schlocky school. I get my diploma and a case with an engraved paperweight. As the photographer snaps my picture shaking hands with the President, I look up to my parents who are not only sound asleep but snoring.
I wake them up. I drive home. They’re in no shape to do it. Janet whispers to Allen “well we should at least take him out to dinner.”
Allen: Why? We’ve got food at home.